The correct term is Administrative Assistant

If I'm super lucky, maybe this could be me!

The other day an acquaintance of mine sends me a job posting and suggests I apply. 

The title: Legal Secretary.   

#1: I’m gonna guess, just a wild guess here, that this position comes fully equipped with a greater than 50% paycut for me. 

#2:  I used to have a secretary and now I might actually have the opportunity to be one.  This gets better every day!  The only difference is that I didn’t call my secretary a secretary, because that term went out the political correctness window about 15 years ago.  They’re called Administrative Assistants now.  As the new secretary, I would, of course, tackle the title change as my first order of business.

#3: For a few years now I have tossed around the idea of going back to school to become… yep, you guessed it: an attorney.  I know I could do it, its just a matter of whether or not I really want to go back, full time into the college world at 28 and take on tens of thousands of dollars in debt to do so.  So, let me just be the first to tell you that WAY before I ever, ever took the toll on my ego to become a secretary for one, I will just bite the bullet and be one.

Best.Quote.Ever

I will tell you that there is one thing that is golden to someone who is unemployed.  It’s better than the unemployment office actually getting your deposit correct, its better than the formatting on your resume actually doing what you want it to do, its better than a free lunch… its talking to another person who is going or has recently gone through exactly what you are.  Someone who truly ‘gets it’

My friend M left the working world a couple of years ago in order to pursue his Masters degree full time, when he finished his degree the employers didn’t exactly bang down his front door – he spent many ‘a months, Masters degree in hand, looking for work.  He and I chatted for awhile the other night and I was sharing my sob story about how I found out I didn’t get the job I really wanted, and how more than anything it was just a major blow to my ego. 

His response: “While I was unemployed, I applied to over 500 jobs – my ego packed its bags about 9 months ago”

Priceless!  I found myself giggling about his response at random intervals all day yesterday.  It made me feel like, its not only normal, but totally ok to feel like you have been pushed as far as humanly possible into the bottom of the barrel.  I’ll recover.  So, go ahead ego – pack your bags… you’ll be back.

An exercise in futility

I’m still using the hand-me-down iron that my sister got for high school graduation (her high school graduation – which preceeded mine by 3 years), so basically this iron was the $14.99 model 13 years ago.  Its more than time to trade it in.  However, in the absence of a marriage, where I could get cool stuff like a fancy schmancy iron for free at a bridal shower, I have to fork over $90-$100 for a decent iron myself.  Man, lots more fun stuff I could think of to do with $100. 

Anywho, I’ve been planning this purchase for months.  Sort of funny because I’ve spent 3 x’s that amount of money on shoes on a whim, but this particular purchase seemed to demand a higher level of planning.  With my credit card I can get cash back in the form of gift cards with additional money ($20 in cash back = $25 Bed Bath & Beyond gift card) so I decided that was the route to go.  $50 in Bed Bath & Beyond gift cards combined with a 20% off coupon, made the $89.99 iron a reasonable purchase.  Of course, West Virginia doesn’t have a single Bed Bath & Beyond, so I had to wait until I happened to be traveling somewhere that did.  I spent the last 2 days down in Charlotte visiting a friend and her new baby, so on the way home I popped into BBB and made my long awaited, much orchestrated iron purchase.

Of course, the irony is that since I don’t have a job I don’t have anything I need to iron. 

 

 

Political Correctness is SO overrated

Funniest.Interview.Ever:

I can’t make this stuff up – I had a phone interview this morning in which I was asked the following questions:

How old are you?

Are you married?

Do you have any children?

Now, I don’t claim to be up to snuff with the latest and greatest in HR Law, but I’m pretty sure those questions are supposed to be off limits.

Then, obviously impressed with my answers (28, not married, no kids) – I was asked to come in for an interview… on Saturday.

If you can’t say anything nice, you shouldn’t say anything at all

Prepare yourself, this will come as a shock: there are lots of people who are unemployed right now.  Yep, I said it, its true.  Given the current state of the newspaper industry, a good bit of those folks happen to be writers.  Hence, there are an exceptional number of blogs right now written by people who are sitting on their couch in their PJ’s when they would much prefer to be sitting at a desk with a $4.00 Latte.

There is one blog that I particularly enjoy, Unemploymentality.  I’m not sure if it’s the writing or the neato pictures they have at the top.  Either way, its on my daily list of things to read while I whittle away my final ‘employed’ hours.

I read a really good one the other day about applying for unemployment, but what really struck me was this guy who commented on the post:

(Remember, this is a comment to someone else’s blog, not mine)

I read about your blog in the Boston Globe, and I decided to check it out and read a few of your posts. I have to say, what are you two doing standing outside with signs, and blogging about unemployment, when you should be out looking for a job?

I mean you don’t even make any mention of going out looking for jobs in this post, which is what I would be doing the very next day. I have two jobs, one of which was acquired during this so-called economic disaster. Maybe you guys should just work harder instead of sitting on your ass blogging.

What made you think blogging for a living was going to last in the first place? Here’s a hint: you need to actually contribute to society to be paid for it.

Here’s what you have to add under “Resources for the Screwed”: CLASSIFIEDS!

There is plenty of commentary I could add about how incredibly incorrect he is on so many levels as well as my own personal psychological assessment as to why on earth he is so angry at people he doesn’t know that my mind is swirling. 

Instead, I think I’ll be simple about it.

When’s the last time you figure this guy had a date?

4 Easy Steps to Finding a Job

My company is offering, as some sort of a consolation prize I suppose, Outplacement Services to all of the employees that got laid off.  We had our first meeting yesterday. I went to the meeting with the same amount of excitement as I do for a cavity filling.  But I couldn’t not go – they were providing lunch and I rarely turn down a free meal.  I was expecting that there was going to be this really condescending tone to the meeting and so I really pumped myself up before I went and did a little of my own coaching:

‘Julie – if she trys to tell you the basics on how to write a resume – you can’t freak out.  You have to be polite.’

All in all, it wasn’t as bad as I had originally thought it may be.  But, while it wasn’t exceptionally painful, it also wasn’t extrodinarily helpful.

Here were the takeaway points from her presentation:

(1) You have to get out and network!  What? Really? You mean the UPS man isn’t just going to show up at my door one day and say “Job Delivery for Julie”  Who knew?

(2) Don’t forget to utilize friends and family.  Yea, big checkmark on that one.  My aunt = VP of the biggest client of my former firm.  I’ve manipulated that system before and will do it again in a heartbeat.  But thanks for the reminder Ms. Outplacement Services lady.

(3) Don’t become obsolete.  This one I had a difficult time getting my head wrapped around.  How long exactly does she think I’m going to be unemployed?  If it takes me so long to wedge my way back into the workforce that there are entirely new computer systems that I’ve never seen then I’m in real trouble.   Geez, thanks for the pick-me-up.

(4) Use her - without her you are nothing and will never get a job. 

Hey, if she keeps buying me lunch, I’m totally on board.

Mmm… Motor Oil

There are moments in this process where I drown myself in self pity over how I am going to manage once I’ve actually become officially unemployed (August 31st for those of you who haven’t been paying attention)

This morning was a good reminder of why I won’t miss this place

This stuff tastes like motor oil. 

Note to self: in interview with future potential employer, test drive the office coffee.  There are some things in life that are just important – and that’s one of them.

I hope the ole’ Metabolic Syndrome doesn’t get me

There are the obvious downfalls to losing your job: income being the most obvious, health benefits, 401K and the list goes on.

But there are always the little things, the ones you might have taken for granted.

Take this for example:

The above is an excerpt from my company’s monthly “Top Health” newsletter, which gets distributed with, you guessed it – our paychecks.  So, no paycheck – no newsletter.

How on earth am I going to make it through without such a handy informative piece?

Although, if you don’t have health insurance, I suppose being abreast of the Signs and Symptoms of Metabolic Syndrome is a bit of moot point.

When the computer itself starts to make fun of you…

Now This Is Just Funny.

I haven’t applied for unemployment yet, namely since I’m not technically unemployed just yet.  But I’ve heard its a difficult process, in fact, one friend told me she’d heard its such a pain that if you spent all of the time you devote to getting your unemployment check to looking for a job, you could probably be employed, rather than un.  Full disclosure to all of my currently unemployed friends – this story was recounted by someone who lost their job in 2005, which is pretty much when everyone was still dancing in the street with flapper outfits on, so - not really a sob story.

Should I find myself navigating my way through the endless corridor of beaurocratic red tape, I would hope that if along the way someone made fun of me – I could find it within myself to laugh.

If nothing else, you have to have an appreciation for the ingenuiety.

“Are you Happy?”

I have a friend that asks me this all the time.  It drives me nuts. 

What kind of answer is she really looking for? 

Its worth noting – we are always in a bar when this question arises.  So, I’m guessing she’s not going for the whole global- theological- what’s god’s plan for us and what’s our purpose in life convo.

So, I always struggle with how to respond.  Yes, on a global level – I am definitely happy.  Am I happy with my decision to get fries instead of a salad at lunch – well, yes and no, I enjoyed them, but it wasn’t a good decision, I’m a little unahppy with that…

So – are you happy?  In an effort to figure this out for myself, I google image searched “Happy Person”

Here’s what I got:

Photo Label on Google Image: "Shiny, Happy, Person"

Do you suppose they labeled that before or after her boyfriend of 4 years got arrested for embezzlement?

Google Photo Image Caption: "Kent2Captetown Project for Terminally Ill Children"

Hey, if those kids can be classified as ‘happy’ I’m pretty sure the rest of us ought to feel pretty lucky

Google Photo Image Caption: "The Release Effect - Permanently Change your Negative Feelings"

In the article associated with this image, Angela here describes her experience with ‘The Release Effect Program’

“I had a terrible, time-wasting computer-game habit that disappeared completely after I finished the first session of The Release Effect. And then I began to discover all kinds of subtle ways I had been limiting myself and new choices I could make. I was always a happy person, but now my feelings of happiness are so much deeper and I feel that what I can achieve is completely unlimited.” 

See – this is interesting to me, because if someone had said ‘describe the most unhappy person in the universe’ my response most definitely would have included people addicted to computer games.  Shows what I know. Perhaps I should branch out from solitare…

So Am I or Am I Not Happy? 

Let’s summarize:

#1 I’m not dating a crook

#2 I’m not terminally ill

#3 I don’t have an addiction to computer games. 

So, I’m pretty sure that settles it – I’m sufficiently happy.  Next time she asks, I’ll be glad I did my homework.